Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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