As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
