:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
