i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
