Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
