Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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