I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
