I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
