Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Rumble strips road head = magical
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
