i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
