Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
