just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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