Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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