do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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