I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
