Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I am midnight drunk by noon
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
