Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
