Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
