If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
