i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
