Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
