It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
