Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
