If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
