I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Even my vagina gasped.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
