I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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