she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
