GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
