it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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