Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Sober January is a disaster.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
