This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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