sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
