You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
