You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
