Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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