The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
