I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
