Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
