i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
