I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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