I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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