Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
