Everything about him screamed your future.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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