We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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