Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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