The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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