it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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