ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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