A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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