when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
