I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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