every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
