the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my vag is so smooth its legendary
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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